Yin Yang - Part 1
By Britney McMaster
I opened my eyes and looked out the window and saw that we were still driving home through the snow. This was the worst part of the holiday season. Every year, Mom and Dad would pack all us kids into the van and then we’d travel for several hours through slow traffic and blowing snow until we got to my grandparent’s house. We’d spend a day of two there with the entire extended family packed into the house and then we’d cram back into the car with all our stuff and drive back home.
I sat up in my seat and looked around the van, trying to stretch my arms in the confined space. My little sisters were both asleep, and my little brother was playing some video game. I looked up front and watched as Dad battled the blowing snow while Mom read a book in the passenger seat.
“Mom, I’m hungry,” my stomach was rumbling.
“Logan, you just ate a huge turkey dinner two hours ago, and I know you had several helpings.”
“I know that, but I’m hungry again.”
That started a pattern of events. Prior to Christmas I’d had a case of the flu, and was sick for a few days before I started feeling better. From that point on I ate like food was going out of style. By the end of the Christmas break I had gained 50 lbs. and it was starting to show. I tried to stop myself from eating, but after only a few hours I felt like I hadn’t eaten in days and gave in to my cravings.
I can’t say that my friends shunned me because I had gained weight. It was more as if I shunned them. Each day after school I would rush home, raid the refrigerator and then hide up in my room, snacking until dinnertime. I would then eat several servings at dinner. By the end of January I had gained 80 lbs. since Christmas.
Mom and Dad were really worried, and for weeks on end I was dragged to various doctors as they did a variety tests. My metabolism was extremely low and they concluded that I was constantly eating in order to get enough energy to keep my body functioning. They tried different ways of raising my metabolism, but none of them worked. Weeks passed and I continued to gain weight. I was starting to become depressed and spent all my free time alone in my room.
It was around the middle of February when I noticed a hard lump growing on the back of my head. I mentioned this to one of my doctors and that led to several x-rays and tests before they figured it out and the whole puzzle seemed to come together. Over the space of two months I had put on around 100 lbs. and none of the doctors could tell me why until now. According to their tests, I had started stage two of MORFS back before Christmas. However, without the required energy packs to supply the essential nutrients, I hadn’t started to change. Instead, my body had started storing fat to be used when I did start to morf.
The doctor gave Mom the things that we would need and then we went home. I was given an energy pack and a sleeping pill and within a few minutes I was asleep and my changes began.
I awoke slowly. I had managed to open my eyes but after a week in a medically induced coma, my head was pretty foggy. I watched the ceiling fan slowly spin above me while I continued to adjust to being awake again. I had mixed feelings as I contemplated what MORFS might have done to me. I wanted to know, but at the same time I wished I could just stay in bed forever and avoid confronting what had happened.
I brought my hands up to rub the sleep out of my eyes. My hands felt a lot smaller then I remembered them being. 'At least I'm not fat anymore,' I thought. 'Maybe this change didn't do much to me.' In the back of my mind I knew that wasn't the case. I had put on all that weight because it was going to be a big change.
My body was still a bit achy and numb from the medication and lying in bed for a whole week, but I forced myself up and on to my feet. I fought the urges to look down at myself and staggered over to the mirror on my wall. I rubbed my eyes and looked at my new reflection.
It’s a frightening feeling to look in a mirror to see another person staring back at you. The fear was quickly replaced by shock as I took in the new me. My once short hair now came down past my waist. It was still blonde and it was now full of natural highlights and lowlights and had a healthy shine to it. My face still held a strong resemblance to how I used to look, but my features were now decidedly feminine. My nose was smaller and slightly upturned. It was one of those 'cute' noses a lot of girls have. My eyes were the same as they had been, but were now surrounded by much thicker and longer lashes. My lips were the other noticeable change, as they were now much fuller. It’s amazing how such subtle changes, when combined together could make me look so different.
I finally looked down at the rest of me. Someone, probably Mom, had dressed me in a set of girls' pajamas. The top of the pajamas was one of those cami tops and pushing above the neckline was a large pair of breasts. Without emotion, I removed my top and cupped the breasts in my hands. I started to feel sick as I looked down at what had happened to me. I already knew the answer, but I had to make sure. I stepped out of the pajama bottoms and then lowered my panties.
'Oh ... my ..."
I rushed towards my trashcan as the nausea overcame me. I made it just in time and dry heaved for several minutes before curling up into a ball and breaking down in tears.
when my tears eventually stopped, I glanced at the clock on my wall. It was a little before four in the morning. I figured I could take a nice hot shower without anyone in the family disturbing me. I found a towel and wrapped it around myself before leaving my room.
I got to the bathroom and reached out for the doorknob when the door quickly opened. Startled, I let out a very high-pitched scream as I stared at the person who had opened the door. It was me.
"Who the hell are you?" I cringed at the high musical sound of my new voice.
"I could ask you the same question," said my male double. "Name’s Logan and this is my house. I'm allowed to be here. Who are you? How’d you get in here?"
"But ... But this is my house. ..." I took a step back. ‘This can't be real. Maybe I'm still drugged and this is all a dream.’ "You can't be Logan. You just can’t.'' I backed up against the wall and slid down to the floor, where I curled up into a ball and just let the tears pour. "This can't be happening," I mumbled to myself over and over again.
I heard him walk past me and down the hallway. I sat there crying for what seemed like hours. Everything kept replaying through my head. I lifted my head up at the sound of people rushing down the hallway. It was my parents and my double.
Mom was beside me in an instant and took me into her arms. "It's okay, Sweetheart, Mommy is here," she said as she held me.
"Y ... You know who I am?" I asked.
"Of course I do, Honey. Even though MORFS changed how you look, you're still my baby."
"Then who is that?" I said, pointing at my double.
"That's your twin brother. MORFS caused your body to split into two different people. You need to go take a shower and get dressed and then we'll all sit down and talk about this. I'll lay out some clothes for you to wear. Come with me."
I took Mom’s hand and followed her down the hallway, into her room and then into my parent’s bathroom. Mom pulled a few things out of the vanity before turning back to me with a pair of scissors in her hand..
“What are those for?” I asked.
“We’ve got to do something with that hair. I trimmed your nails for you while you were sleeping, so that you wouldn’t cut yourself but I didn’t want to mess around with your hair until you woke up. It certainly did grow long enough. At that length it would be completely unmanageable. The most I can do is just cut it shorter, but we’ll have to go to the salon and get it styled properly, later today.” Mom turned me around and pulled all my hair back behind me and held it in a low pony tail with her hand. Her hand was down around my shoulder blades.
“Mom, I want more of it cut off than that. I want short hair again.”
“I don’t think so, Sweetie. You have beautiful hair, and we’re not going to cut that all off. I know this is hard for you to take in all at once, but it’s best for you to get used to being a girl right away.”
“But I don’t want to be a girl,” I whined, as Mom snipped away clumps of hair.
“I know that Honey,” said Mom, “but the world is going to expect you to act like a girl based on what they see. They’re not going to know what’s in your head.” Mom released her hold on my hair and it was amazing how much of a difference there was in how much my hair weighed. It now came to the middle of my back.
“Your father and I just want you to be happy, and we know you’re going to have to fit in with the rest of the kids for that to happen. So you’re going to have to do some things that you don’t want to. We’re going to get you some new clothes, and whether you like it or not, you are going to have to wear skirts from time to time. Girls your age wear makeup and though you don’t have to wear it all the time if you don’t want to, you do need to learn how to put it on.”
I just nodded my head at what Mom was saying. It made sense to me and I knew that eventually I would have to do all the stuff a girl does, but right now I just wanted to avoid it all. Mom pointed out which shampoo and conditioner I should use and handed me a stick of girls deodorant to use once I got out. She gave me a few tips on how to blow dry my hair and then left me to shower.
Taking a shower as a girl was a totally bizarre experience. I really didn't want to accept that MORFS had given me a sex change, but that's hard to ignore when trying to wash yourself. To make it worse, the soap Mom told me to use left me smelling like a girl. I got really annoyed at how long it took to wash the shampoo and conditioner completely out of my hair.
I got out and dried off. I learned the hard way not to towel dry long hair. It took me nearly a half hour just to brush painfully through all the tangles and nearly another half hour to blow dry it. Once that was all done, I took a look at the clothes Mom had left on the counter for me and started getting dressed.
First was just a pair of plain white panties and a white camisole that had a built in bra. Next was a pastel blue long sleeve top. It was definitely a girl’s top but it could have been worse. I pulled on the light and dark blue striped toe socks and then reached for the neatly folded pair of jeans. I lifted them off the counter and they unfolded into a long denim skirt. 'Damn.' Regrettably I pulled on the skirt and was grateful for the small mercy that at least it was a long skirt. It was almost too long as it came all the way down to the floor.
As much as I wanted to just run and hide, I wanted to find out what was going on. I walked into the kitchen and all three of them looked over at me. Mom patted the seat next to her and I sat down.
"Okay," started Dad. "This is a bit of a strange situation MORFS has put us in. Your mother and I will do our best to explain everything to you two." he turned towards my double. "Logan, this is your new sister, Laura," he said, pointing at me.
"My name is not Laura," I interrupted. Mom put her hand on top of mine.
"Laura would have been your name if you had been born as a girl. That's now your new name. I know you still feel like Logan, but that is your brother's name."
Mom looked over to Dad and he continued, "Laura, Logan, the two of you are identical twins. Except for the obvious different sex of course. When Logan started to morf, his body began to grow a second body out of the back of his skull. The extra weight gained over the last few months was used to form that second body. Until yesterday the two of you were still attached at the skull and sharing brain matter. The split must have completed some time during the night."
“So that’s why my hair was so long? My body grew fifteen years worth in a week?”
“That’s a good way to look at it Laura, and that is probably why your hair was so long.”
"So you’re saying we're the same person?" asked Logan.
"That's what the doctors told us. The fact that Laura remembers being Logan before all this, means that she has a copy of your memories, Logan. She's as much you as you are. That means we expect you to help her to adjust to her new life. It could have been you who became a girl."
"So what am I supposed to do now that I'm a girl?" I asked.
"Well, you and your mother will be going shopping for some new clothes, while I try to figure out how to obtain a legal identity for you and Logan will be at home working on your new room and watching the rest of the kids," Said Dad.
"New Room?" Logan and I said at the same time.
"Well the two of you can't share the same bedroom, so we've been building Laura a new room in the basement."
"I get a new room? Can I see it?" I asked.
"You can see it this afternoon, once it's done."
"How come she gets the new room?" questioned Logan.
"Cus I'm the one who got the forced sex change, that's why."
"She's got a point, Son," said Dad. "Laura, there's a book of paint colours on the counter. Why don't you and your Mother pick out a colour for your room while Logan and I make us some breakfast."
"Okay Dad." I grabbed the paint samples and sat down next to Mom. I immediately flipped through to my favourite colour, Green. I pointed out a few that I liked.
"Laura, you should pick out something a bit more ... feminine than a dark green."
"Mom, I don't want a girlie room. I'm not painting it pink or yellow or purple or anything like that."
"I'm not saying you have to make it really girlie. But just something that has a bit more of a feminine touch. I know that right now you don't like being a girl, but eventually you'll get used to it and once you do, it will be nice to have a room that reflects that you are a girl."
"Fine." We kept looking through the colours. Mom pointed out a light orange, which I thought looked too peachy and a powder blue that I also rejected. "Why can't I have green? It's my favourite," I whined.
"We haven't looked at the lighter shades of green. What about this one?" the one Mom was pointing to was called 'shimmering lime' and while it was pretty light and definitely a girls' colour I did like it.
"I actually like that one Mom. Let’s get that one."
Immediately after breakfast, Mom and I left the house. I wasn't happy with the heeled boots Mom gave me to wear, but they did keep my feet warm while we walked through the snow to the car. Thankfully, the heels were nice and wide and not too high, so I also managed to walk easily in them. I was informed that I had an appointment at Mom's salon to get the works. I, of course, tried to protest to no avail.
When we arrived at the salon and went inside, I was introduced to Margie and after Mom explained what she wanted, she left, saying she would be back in about three hours to pick me up. That began to worry me, 'What are they planning to do to me, that I'm going to be here for three whole hours?'
"Okay, we'll do the waxing first," Margie told me as she led me into a private room in the back.
"Uh ... Waxing?" I asked.
"That's what your mother said. We're doing your legs, bikini line, armpits and eyebrows. Now I need you to strip down to your bra and panties, and then hop up on the table for me.
I did as I was asked and awaited my fate. She brought over everything she needed and placed it on a small rolling table beside me.
"We’ll do your bikini area first as that's the most sensitive area. Once that's done, the rest will be a breeze. You can either keep your panties on or take them off. It's easier and quicker with them off, though."
"I ... I’d rather keep them on" Margie instructed me on how to hold the edge of the panties out of the way as she worked. The wax was a little warm going on, but otherwise not that bad. The first strip was right across the top of the small patch of hair I had down there. I had no idea what it would feel like ahead of time, but there is no way could have prepared myself for the pain of that first strip being ripped off. I'm sure even people outside the salon would have heard my bloodcurdling screams as the next few strips were torn from my skin. Finally I was left with a neat patch of hair surrounded by red hairless skin.
Margie was right though. My armpits and eyebrows were painful, but the pain was nothing compared to the bikini area. Having my legs done was even less painful than that. Finally I was done and got dressed. It was amazing how sensitive my legs were now that they were hairless.
Next I was taken over to a chair in front of a sink. Margie spent about ten minutes washing my hair, and managed to shampoo and condition it twice. 'How did she do that so fast?' From there I was taken to another chair where she started in on my hair with a pair of scissors. Everything she did was just a blur to me. All the time she was working, she raved about the highlights I had in my hair. When I told her they were natural, she raved about them even more, and then confessed her jealousy of my beautiful hair. When I told her I’d rather have my hair cut short, she looked at me like I was crazy and said that my Mom would kill her if she did that to my pretty hair. ‘Mom would kill me too if I did that to my hair,’ I thought.
Margie was really nice and really funny, yet despite that, she failed to get me to relax and enjoy being pampered. This just wasn’t something I wanted to be doing. I wanted to be a boy again. She tried to draw me into conversation about how I wanted my hair, but I couldn’t add much to the conversation, because I had zero experience at being a girl- I didn’t know enough to say anything halfway intelligent even if I did want to. We finally finished with my hair and I was left looking at myself in the mirror as she left to set up for whatever we were doing next.
My hair had been given some soft waves and I looked even prettier than before. I hated looking at myself. I tried to hold it back, but a few tears made their way down my cheeks before Margie came back to get me. I quickly wiped them away when I heard her coming back. This time she led me over to a big chair with a basin of water at the base of it. I was instructed to lift my skirt up around my knees and sit down with my feet in the water. There were jets in the warm water and it did actually feel good. The chair was one of those massage chairs and I just closed my eyes and tried to drift away from this nightmare of a life I had found myself in. I knew Margie was doing something to my feet, taking one out of the water at a time. They were all new sensations to me, as I’ve never really had someone touching my feet like this in the past. I tried to ignore what she was doing, even when it tickled and just kept my eyes closed.
Eventually both of my feet were taken out of the water and dried off. I felt something being placed between my toes, but I was too lost in the massage and self pity to really care. She finished what she was doing and again I was left there by myself. ‘Why is Mom making me do all of this stuff? She knows I don’t want to be a girl. At least I get a new room, not that that makes up for losing a penis. I don’t even have any clothes. This is so unfair, Logan gets to go on with life as if nothing ever happened while I get totally shafted.’
A little while later I felt Margie remove the stuff between my toes and start putting my socks back on. I opened my eyes as she pulled my second sock over my ankle and up my leg.
“The floor is a bit cold to walk around on barefoot, so put your boots back on and follow me. Just two things left and then your Mom will be here to get you.” Without a word, I followed Margie over to a little desk in front of one of the salon’s large windows. She sat down on one side of the table and I sat on the other. This time she began working on my fingernails. She started by cleaning my nails and removing the cuticles. After all that she had me move my hands underneath some sort of plastic hood. She seemed to be paying close attention to what she was doing, but my view was blocked by the vent, the clear plastic having become weathered over time.
I let her do the work Mom had asked her to do and distracted myself by looking out the window. All that did was remind me of what I’ve lost. A light snow was falling and there were a group of boys my age playing a game of road hockey. I recognized some of them from school. ‘What I wouldn’t give to be out there playing with them instead of being in here being made to look even more like a girl.’ My right hand was placed under a heater, while Margie switched to work on my left hand. I just closed my eyes and continued to fight back the tears. ‘I’ve never been this emotional before, but I think I have a pretty good excuse. I’m not going to let myself cry again,’ I decided.
Time passed as Margie switched between working on my two hands, eventually leaving me with both of them under the dryer. I just hoped she hadn’t painted them pink or something.
When I saw Mom’s car pull into the lot, I let out a sigh of relief knowing we’d be leaving soon. Mom entered the store and waved at me, I looked back out the window. I felt bad snubbing Mom like that, but she was the one responsible for me being stuck in this damn salon. Mom and Margie made their way over to me and I saw Mom hand a little card with something shiny on it to Margie. I didn’t give it much thought while they brushed my hair behind my ears. Margie was doing something with my ears and then I felt a sharp pain in my ear. It was so sudden that I didn’t have time to say anything before it was repeated in my other ear.
“Oh, those look beautiful on you, Honey!” I gave Mom the most evil glare that I could muster As she held up a mirror so that I could see my new earrings. They were a pair of fake diamond studs that I thought were too big and too girlie. ‘They’ll be coming out as soon as my ears have healed,’ I told myself.
As she and Mom checked my nails, Margie told me they were finished and that the only thing left was makeup.
‘I’m not wearing makeup!,’ I thought to myself as I removed my hands from under the vent. Then, ‘What the hell did she do to my nails?’ They were longer than they had been by about half an inch. Thankfully they weren’t painted, but they were white on the part past my finger and they were really shiny from some sort of clear polish. ‘That’s the last straw!’
I pushed back the chair and stood up. I guess they were expecting me to go let Margie do my makeup or something, because neither of them tried to comfort me as my eyes welled up with tears and my lips started to quiver. Mom put her arm around my shoulders and said, “You look so beautiful.”
I spun around, pushing myself out of her embrace. “I hate you for this!” I spat at her, and then the tears started. I ran as fast as those stupid boots would let me, out of the shop and down the street. It was cold outside, but I didn’t feel it. I didn’t feel anything. I reached the small park on the corner and after wiping away the snow, took a seat on the end of the slide. For the second time that day I pulled my knees to my chest and just curled into a ball while I cried.
“Mikey, stop bugging the girls!” I yelled at my little brother. The noise stopped and I went back to rolling the light green paint on the bare walls. I still can’t believe I had MORFS and didn’t get stuck with something stupid. Most of the kids I know all changed physically somehow, and I all I got was some serious weight loss. Well, I ended up with a twin sister, but that doesn’t effect me much. Other than painting her stupid room that is. ‘It’s no fair that she gets this room and I don’t. This room is twice the size of mine. Mom and Dad always did spoil the girls, I guess they’ll do the same with Laura.’
I looked around at the spacious room. Once I was done painting, I had to assemble a dresser and a vanity. Then I had to put together the bed frame for her new queen sized bed. ‘While I get stuck on my crappy double bed. Then I have to clean up all the tools and the drop cloth and then vacuum her new carpet. All while watching my three younger siblings. This sucks.’
“Logan?” called my littlest sister Joannah. “We’re hungry.”
‘It’s always something with those kids. At least with Laura around, I won’t get stuck babysitting all three of them by myself anymore.’ I put the roller down on the paint tray and headed up stairs. “Alright Joannah, I’ll get lunch started.”
“Alright!” she screeched, before running back to play.
“Jadyn? Can you come help me in here with lunch?” I could hear the loud sigh all the way in the kitchen. A minute later my twelve-year-old sister came into the kitchen.
“I’m missing my show, you know …” she said, as if that was going to make me change my mind.
“And you think I care? Jadyn, you’re almost thirteen, I shouldn’t have to babysit you, too. You are old enough to help out. Now help me get lunch together so I can get back to painting that stupid room.”
“So is Laura as mean as you?” she asked as she got to work.
“Well, she thinks like I do, but she is a girl. So she’s probably meaner …” Jadyn elbowed me in the ribs for saying that. “My point exactly.”
“I think it’s so cool that I’ve got a big sister now. I’ve always wanted one,” said Jade. “It’s gonna be so much fun hanging out with her, talking about boys, and playing around with our makeup and our hair …”
“You do realize, she’s an exact female version of me, right?”
Jadyn nodded. “Well I doubt she’s gonna want to do any of that stuff. She was pissed this morning that she’s not a boy anymore. I don’t think she’s going to be the ideal big sister you’ve been dreaming of.”
“Oh … I guess you’re right.”
My whole body was numb from the blowing wind. My tears were freezing on my cheeks. I heard her feet crunching through the snow. She put her hand on my shoulder. I didn’t look up. I felt horrible. Mostly it was about the situation in which I'd found myself when I woke up this morning, but part of it was the fact that I had told my Mom that I hated her.
“That’s not my name,” I snapped.
“Yes it is, Honey. Even if you don’t like it. But there’s nothing we can do about that now. MORFS puts people into situations that they never expect to be in. You just have to learn to accept this. I know with time that this will become easier for you.”
“Mom, I don’t want to accept this. I didn’t want to do any of the things you had done to me back at Margie’s.”
“Nothing was done to you against your will. You could have stopped Margie anytime you wanted,” she told me.
“Maybe, maybe not. But you could have talked to me about it first. I’m a man inside; you have no idea what this is like for me. I hate all of this. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.”
“Laura, you have to get used to all this. Girls get their hair and nails done. Girls wear makeup and pretty clothes. Society is going to expect the same from you, and your father and I aren’t going to let you just go around trying to fool yourself into thinking you can still act like a boy. Now get up! We have shopping to do. The makeup can wait for another day.”
I got up without a word and walked to the car. I got in, buckled up and stared out the window. ‘So both my parents want to force me to be a girl. What can I do? Run away? I have nowhere to go. None of my friends will know who I am. Same with family. Mom can have her way, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.’
“How’s it going down here, sport?” asked Dad as he came into the room.
“I’ve got the painting done, I’m just trying to get this dresser put together. How’d it go at city hall?”
Dad came over ,and started helping me with the dresser. “We got all the paper work filled out but your mother, Laura and I all have to get a DNA test done so that we can prove that Laura is our daughter. Once we have the results from the test, they’ll process the paperwork and Laura will get her new ID.”
“So when do we have to go back to school?” I asked.
“Laura is going to be off school for a bit. I talked with your principal and Laura is going to have to take a bunch of aptitude tests to prove that she’s still at the same grade level as you. Once she’s done that, they’ll simply give her a copy of your existing transcript with her new name on it.” Dad looked over at me and gave me that grin that he has when he’s about to say something I’m not going to like. “Now Logan, you will be going back to school on Monday afternoon. You have your post-MORFS check up in the morning. Laura has her appointment with another doctor at the clinic at the same time. Once you two are done with that, you’ll both have your physical aptitude tests at the school to determine which gym class you’ll be going to. Tuesday morning you’ll be back to your regular classes.”
“I don’t get any extra time off?” I asked.
“You’ve already been off school for over a week. Tuesday you’ll be back, and with lots of catching up I would assume. We also want you to pick up a copy of your assignments for Laura.”
“Come on Laura, just try and cheer up. Shopping can be lots of fun,” said Mom.
“I doubt it,” I mumbled.
“And stand up straight. Girls don’t slouch like that.”
“First stop is to get you properly measured for your bras. Then once we’ve taken care of underwear, we’ll move on to outerwear, then shoes and accessories and makeup and we’ll be done.”
“Whatever! Let’s just get this over with.” Mom was shaking her head slightly. I know my attitude did not impress her. ‘There’s no way I’m letting this shopping trip drag on forever.’
As Mom had promised, the first stop was to get me some bras and panties. ‘Oh joy! Not.’ Even though I was now a girl, it felt weird to be walking into a lingerie store. Mom caught me staring at the pictures on the wall of the lingerie models, and elbowed me lightly to get me to stop. I was distracted looking around at all the foreign articles of clothing in the store while Mom talked with one of the store employees. A moment later I was being led into the changing rooms.
“Okay, I need you to take off your top so that I can measure you.” I pulled off the blue top and stood there in the camisole. The girl chuckled. “That needs to come off too. Don’t worry. It’s just us girls here.” I pulled off the camisole and she got to work taking her measurements. She had to tell me everything to do, where to put my arms, how to stand and all of that. After she had the information she needed, she left to get a few bras for me to try on. A few minutes later she returned with a few bras in different styles. She handed them to me and I just stood there looking at them. "Go ahead, try them on.”
“I uh… don’t know how,” I admitted to her.
“You used to be a boy didn’t you? Before MORFS I mean.”
I nodded. “I thought so. Here, give me that!” She took the bra from me and showed me how to put it on. “You’d be surprised how many boys end up in bras after they morf. I had a good friend in high school that became a boy though, so it does go both ways. Don’t worry, everyone gets used to it eventually. It’s not like you can go back, anyways. Just forget about what you were, and go on with your new life. How’s that feel?”
“I dunno, it’s not too tight. I definitely can feel the support.”
“Well, that is why we wear them. So anyways, my friend who became a boy, she just kinda stopped hanging around with her old friends, I think trying to help her forget that she had been a girl and that seemed to work for her. I mean, like, if you keep dwelling on your past and trying to still act like a boy then you’re never going to get used to being a girl.” She helped me into the next bra, leaving me to try and do it up. Not an easy task with these long nails.
“I don’t know if I can forget my past like most people would. I’m going to be confronted with it everyday. MORFS didn’t just turn me into a girl. Oh, this one feels better than the last one.”
“Ok, now try this one. What else did MORFS do?”
“My body actually split off of my old one, if that makes any sense, so now its like there’s two of me, like I’m a clone or something, except I became a girl, while my old body stayed the same. So now I’ve got a twin brother who gets to keep living my old life.”
“So let him live it. Go out and make new friends and live a new life. That’s all I can suggest.” She handed me the last bra and I tried it on. “How’s that one?”
“It’s comfortable, weird but comfortable. As I said, I don’t know if I can just forget my old life.”
“You’ll never know if you can until you try. You can leave that one on and then get dressed. You want to look for bras in a size 30B.”
She left and I put my top back on. She did have a point. I needed to let go of my life as Logan, but I just wasn’t ready to do that yet. I went back out into the store and found Mom with a basket full of underwear. She asked my opinion, but I didn’t have one. After being dragged around the store and having to try on things that I had never thought I would ever wear, we left the store. It was carrying the large pink bag that contained my eight new bras, nearly two dozen panties, and three nightgowns, all picked out by Mom.
I knew Mom wouldn’t buy me boys’ clothes or even tomboyish clothes but if I had to wear girls stuff I didn’t want her dressing me like a forty year old woman. So while I was trying to detach myself from reality I did have the common sense to make Mom go to the stores I used to buy my clothes at. Although I was now shopping on the female side of those stores, at least the clothing there would be in style. Mom was used to shopping with my sister Jadyn, who is a very feminine girl, so she continuously picked out the most feminine things available. I just tried to disappear into the background. Most of the stores found me standing off to the side, a disinterested look on my face with my arms folded across my chest while Mom rooted through the various racks. She was unrelenting though. She would constantly ask my opinion on different skirts or dresses that she liked or had me try on. It amazed me that she kept asking my opinion after comments from me like, “I hate it,” or, “it’s a skirt.”
It was at one of my favourite stores where I finally broke. Mom had me trying on a dress that I hated. I hated it because I looked way too hot in it. It was short, and it barely covered my boobs. If I wore that dress anywhere I would be nothing more than eye candy for the guys. “Mom, we’re not buying this. It’s too revealing. We’ve got enough dresses already anyways. Lets just buy me some pants and go home.”
“But you look so pretty in that dress,” she stated.
“No, I look sexy in this dress. I don’t want to look like this. Please, can we just get me some jeans? We haven’t bought any pants yet. I’m not trying on another skirt or dress until we buy me some pants.” I suddenly realized that I was standing there with my hands on my hips, like any other girl. ‘I can’t even get angry without doing it like a girl!’
“That’s fine, we’ll get you some pants. All you had to do was ask, but you’ve been to busy sulking. Go pick out some pants and tops to try on. I’ll help you find the right size.”
‘I swear Mom is just doing this to screw with me.’ I went over to where the jeans were and started looking for a pair that I liked. I usually buy my jeans at this store but there’s a huge difference between the guys’ and girls’ jeans. The girls’ jeans were all designed to fit tightly with a low-rise waist. ‘It’s better than wearing a skirt,’ I thought as I picked out a few pairs in the size Mom suggested. I grabbed a few tee shirts and then headed to the change rooms. I was about to put on the first pair of jeans when Mom stuck her hand in over the door.
“You’ll have to wear this with a pair of tight pants like those,” she half whispered. Hanging from her hand was a scrap of light blue fabric. I grabbed it and held it up in front of me. It was a thong. I let out a loud sigh and exchanged the panties I had been wearing for the thong. It wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world but I figured that I’d have to get used to it if it meant I could wear pants. I pulled on the pants and was met with another new feeling; tight fitting pants. They weren’t that bad. Despite how snug they were, they were pretty comfortable. Once again I went out and modeled them for Mom. I did the same with another three pairs of jeans, a pair of what Mom called capri pants and a few pairs of other girls’ pants. We bought all the pants that fit me, along with the skirts and dresses we liked from that store.
Mom reassured me that we were almost done as we lugged our purchases out to the car before returning to the mall. We stopped in the food court before we finished our shopping and got ourselves a late lunch. I felt famished and Mom let me order what I normally would. We sat down at a table and I started into my triple bacon cheeseburger. I managed to get about three quarters of the burger eaten before I couldn’t eat anymore. I picked at my fries but left them mostly untouched. “Go ahead and say it, Mom, you know you want to.”
“I wasn’t going to say anything, it’s just the first time that I’ve seen you leave food uneaten.”
“Can we finish shopping and go home? I need some alone time.”
“Sure we can. We only have a few thing left to get.”
her ‘few things’, turned into ten pairs of shoes, most of which I couldn’t even walk in due to the heels, a bunch of jewelry that I didn’t want, several purses, belts and hats. Our last stop was at a drug store where Mom loaded up a basket with all sorts of make up, hair accessories, a curling iron and a blow dryer. I stayed as far away as I could when she was picking out the makeup. Luckily, the only thing she made me help with was finding a foundation that was the right color for my skin tone.
I started to feel nauseous again when she tossed a package of tampons and pads into the basket. ‘Maybe I should get myself a hysterectomy,’ I mused to myself. ‘No way Mom and Dad would let me do that.’
“Laura has the coolest room,” exclaimed Jadyn as she finished making Laura’s new bed.
“She’d better like it, after all the work I did.” I looked around the room. It was a really nice looking room, but it was definitely a girls’ room. ‘She’s gonna hate this room if she really thinks like I do.’
“Logan?” called Dad. “I need your help bringing some things downstairs.” I went up stairs and into the garage. Sitting in the back of Dad’s truck was a bathtub, a big bathtub.
“What’s that for? Don’t tell me she’s getting her own bathroom too,” I complained.
“Just help me get it in the basement. You can be jealous later.”
We pulled into the driveway and loaded our selves up with as many bags as we could and then hurried inside. Mom sent Jadyn and Logan outside to get the rest of the bags.
Dad was waiting for us at the top of the basement stairs. “Ok Laura, ready to see your new room?” I nodded.
“Ok, put your bags down here and go downstairs and close your eyes.” I put down the bags and followed Mom and Dad down the stairs. I closed my eyes and covered them with my hands.
Dad led me over to the doorway and told me to open my eyes. I was shocked. The room was huge. The walls were all painted in ‘shimmering lime’ and the floor was covered in a thick white shag carpet. There was a long 8-drawer dresser up against one wall and a vanity with a lighted mirror on another. Both of those were in white. There was a white love seat over in one corner. The other corner of the room was built out to create a walk in closet.
What really caught my eye though, was the bed. It was bigger than my old one. It was made with what looked like pink silk sheets and a thick pink and light green comforter. Suspended from the ceiling and draping around the bed was sheer pink fabric, which made it look like one of those canopy beds.
“Well what do you think?” asked Mom.
“I like the room, but why is my bed pink?”
Just then Jadyn and Logan came down the stairs with a load of bags. Jadyn rushed over to my side. “Laura, do you like your new room? Do you like your bed? Dad let me pick out the sheets and everything for you. Isn’t it the coolest?”
I looked over at Dad who nodded, confirming that she was telling me the truth. My sister was beaming at me. “Yeah, Jadyn, I like it. Thanks for picking it out.” I gave my sister a one armed hug and her smile got even bigger. We hauled all my new clothes into the room and sat the bags in my closet. I noticed that there was a door between my bed and my closet and asked Dad why my room had two doors.
“That’s going to be the door to your bathroom. It’s not finished yet. It needs painting and a floor, but the toilet and the sink are both hooked up. So you can use those, but you’ll have to shower upstairs until I get the tub installed and the shower piped in.”
I had gone up stairs as soon as Jadyn and Laura started putting everything away in her closet. I still couldn’t believe all the stuff Mom and Dad had bought for her. It just wasn’t fair. They must have spent a fortune on all that stuff. I sat in the living room watching TV for about an hour before Mom dragged me into the kitchen to help with dinner. Of course Laura didn’t have to help. She just got to sit around in her new room.
I was standing at the kitchen counter making a salad, still brooding over how unfair it was that Laura got spoiled. The anger that had been building inside suddenly changed to an intense feeling of hopelessness, and I felt like I was going to cry. I was surprised by the change in emotions, but at the same time, felt strangely detached from these new feelings. I tried ignoring the feelings and after a few minutes they went away as quickly as they had appeared. ‘weird.’
Jadyn was quite enthusiastic about helping me put away all my new clothes. Of course she had to go on and on about every single thing she put away. With the two of us both working, we managed to get everything put away in record time. I had to almost force Jadyn to leave the room in order to have some time to myself.
I sat down heavily on my bed and let out a deep sigh. ‘I don’t want this life… I wish I was still a boy, but there’s little hope of that ever happening again.’ As that thought sunk in, the tears began to build again. The despair sat deep in the pit of my stomach as I curled up and cried into my pillows.
“Laura, dinner time!” Dad called from the top of the stairs. I had run out of tears about half an hour ago and after a check in the mirror, decided my eyes weren’t red enough to suggest I had been crying. I took a deep breath and went up stairs and into the dining room. I was the last one to arrive … and all the seats were full, only six places having been set.
“Mikey, why did you only set the table for six?” asked Dad.
“I forgot there were seven now,” he admitted.
“Logan, go get a chair for you sister,” said Dad. I was still just standing there feeling awkward. Apparently everyone else had forgotten about me, if they hadn’t noticed Mike’s mistake.
“Why do I have to get her a chair?” snapped Logan. “Mikey is the one who forgot.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I found myself saying. “I wasn’t hungry anyways.” I quickly retreated back to the basement while Mom called after me and Dad lectured Logan.
A few minutes later there was a soft knocking on my bedroom door. I didn’t respond, so Mom opened the door and came in. She sat beside me on the loveseat. “Laura, please come up for dinner.”
“I said, I’m not hungry!”
“Honey, I know you’re hurting inside, but no one did that on purpose. It was just a mistake. Your brother feels really bad about what happened. Please come up stairs.”
“Which of my brothers feels bad? The one who forgot I was part of the family, or the one who couldn’t be bothered to get off his ass and help me feel welcome in my own damn house?” I spat bitterly.
“Laura, you know we don’t approve of that kind of language in this house. Now both of them are sorry. Mikey feels really bad. He hasn’t even got much of a chance to even get to know you, and now he thinks that his new big sister hates him. Please come have dinner with us.”
“Mom … I just can’t go back up there. I can’t.” I did feel bad for little Mikey, but the way Logan had acted really hurt me a lot. ‘We may have been the same person, but now we’re apparently not that much alike. He’s being a jerk!’
“It’s been a hard day. I understand.” Mom stood up and left the room without another word and I went back to sulking. I looked around my room and realized that there wasn’t really anything to do in there. No TV, no stereo, no computer. I decided I’d have to get my old stuff from Logan’s room. I heard someone coming downstairs again and a moment later my door opened and Mom came in carrying a tray with a plate of food on it.
“I know you didn’t want to eat with the family, but you do need to eat something.”
Mom left the room and I slowly ate my dinner. I still couldn’t shake the way I was feeling. It seemed I was just an inconvenience to the rest of my family. I had toyed with the thought earlier in the day, and now the idea of running away didn’t seem so crazy. I had no idea where I would run to, but maybe I could start a new life somewhere else. Somewhere where I wouldn’t be reminded of my old life. ‘I doubt that I’d even be missed. They could just go back to how things used to be.’
Roselle Miller got into bed beside her husband and started to knead her temples with her fingers. Her husband, Nathan, was busy going through their budget.
“I have such a headache,” said Roselle. “This has been quite a day.”
“I know exactly how you feel, Honey. I am way too old to me lugging around bathtubs and all that.”
“This is definitely a strange situation we’ve found ourselves in. We had agreed we were done having children.”
“I only agreed to that because I didn’t want to have to change anymore diapers,” Nathan remarked as he chuckled softly. “If I had known our next child would be born as a teenager, then I would have been happy to have another kid. The only problem with that is, that we haven’t really budgeted for another teenager in the family. Especially not another teenage girl.”
“We’ll find a way to make everything work out. We always have. Besides, once she see the doctor, we can get a letter from him and then we’ll get that MORFS rebate from the government. That should cover the cost of building the new room and all the clothing we got her today.”
“You kept all the receipts, right?” asked Nathan.
“Of course I kept the receipts! So what are we going to do about Logan? He’s definitely not helping Laura adjust. That outburst at dinner really hurt her.”
“We just need to get the two of them to be friends. They’re the same person mentally, it can’t be that hard.”
“Hon, you know how stubborn Logan is. He and Laura are just going to butt heads if we try to force them to be friends. I think our first priority is just to get Logan to accept that he has a sister now, and that he needs to be there for her right now.”
“Roselle, it’s going to take time for all of us. I’m as guilty of it as the rest of us. Did either of us notice that Mikey had forgotten about Laura? No, because we had, too. It’s going to take a while to get used to having a family of seven.”
Laura exited the bathroom and made her way quietly towards the basement steps. As she passed her parent’s room, she heard them talking. She stopped at door to listen.
“Nate, I know we couldn’t foresee any of this, but like it or not, Laura is here to stay and she is part of this family.”
“I know that. All I said is that it’s going to take time to get used to her being around. I never said I didn’t care about her. In fact I’m really worried about her. She’s going through something I couldn’t even fathom. But its pretty easy to see how depressed all this is making her. I think you may have gone a bit over the top with the salon and shopping today.”
“I just want her to be able to fit in with the other girls her age. I want her to be able to make friends. Her appearance has a lot to do with that. I mean, I was shocked when the doctors told us what was going on, but when we found her crying in the hall this morning, she just had this look in her eyes that proved she was our child and I just fell in love with her. Just like I did when I gave birth to all of our other children and looked in their faces for the first time. That’s why I was pushing her to accept who she is. She’s a beautiful, special person and she deserves the best. I may have pushed her a bit hard today, but it was all out of love and I hope she realizes that.”
“I love her too, Rosie. I just want to see her smile.”
Laura brushed away the few tears that were running down her face. ‘Mom and Dad love me. I guess I can’t run away after all.’ She quietly made it to the stairs and went to her room. As she got into bed and pulled the soft covers around herself, she closed her eyes and fell asleep with a smile on her face.
To Be Continued …
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